Oh! To be a man!
Thanks to the moron, my car has been in the shop since just after Christmas.
DH has been taking me to work. I’ve either bummed rides or taken the bus home for the last two weeks. Taking the bus isn’t for sissys! Apparently, one needs to know NorthEast from NorthWest in order to find one’s bus stop. Who knew!? I have not completely mastered this skill, so I miss my transfers, have to make friends with strange people who seem to know where they’re going, bla bla bla…
I need to lose some weight. I’m tired, I’m stressed, a ton of stuff going on at work, so this morning was not the morning to start “dieting.” I made a deal with myself, as I was leaving the house at 6:30 a.m., that I would drink my water today. No dieting, no meal planning, no guilt… just drink my water. Baby steps, right?
6:30 a.m.: Chugged 16 ounces of chilled filtered tasty water, and ran out the door.
7:30 a.m.: Half a cup of Really Bad Coffee while waiting for my ride.
8:30 a.m.: Got set up for a conference at work and had another half cup of Really Bad Coffee.
9:00 a.m.: Last night we bought seventy 16 ounce bottles of clean tasty water for today's all-day conference. I can drink water when I’m bored, its just something to do… I’ll get my 6-8 glasses in with no problem.
2:30 p.m.: The conference was boring enough to require a total of 3 bottles of water.
3:30 p.m.: Got a ride with someone who insisted on buying me a soda, because he wanted to stop for one. Sugar and caffeine don’t really count toward “drink water” but: Smile, nod, accept the soda. I asked for an Arnold Palmer.
He bought me a 44 oz Arnold Palmer.
I new better. I really did. I put off drinking it. I carried it back to my office, finished working, caught the bus. Had a sip. Changed buses, had a sip. Got bored, had a couple more sips.
Its an hour long bus ride. Half way into it, most of the Arnold Palmer was gone.
... 30 minutes til my stop: Maybe there won’t be many people to pick up. I’ll make it home.
... 20 minutes til my stop: I’d get off and use the restroom in Starbucks, but then I’d have to wait an hour for the next bus to come by. I really wish this bus came more than every hour.
... 15 minutes til my stop: Oh… that woman walks so slow! Hurry up and sit down so the bus can leave.
... 10 minutes til my stop: Hmm Hmm Hmm La La Laaaaa. Almost there, almost there, almost there.
... 5 minutes til my stop: Are we going by any markets where I could get off the bus and go? I could just walk the extra few blocks home! No, of course not! Cockamamie little town!
By the time I got off the bus, I had a nice little plan to run home. Except that I was so full and so cramped, I could barely hobble. Suddenly, this was not a few blocks, but an endless marathon.
I considered backtracking and trying to find a business where I could use the restroom, but the crosswalk signal on this corner is soooooooooooooo slow!
Only one way to go: home.
Its amazing what options I considered while hobbling the last half-mile home.
I could knock on someone's door: except its late, and I wouldn’t be able to keep the half-crazed look off my face when they answered. I’d probably freak them out.
I could sit down on the curb between two parked cars: except that I’d get arrested if I got caught.
Do I really care if I get arrested at this point? Well, maaaaybe.
I could find a bush, or a side yard, or even a trashcan… darn these endless manicured lawns!!
I wish I was a man; it’d be so much easier to be discrete about this!
Its dark, I’m wearing black pants, I could just pee and do laundry as soon as I get home. No one would know… but I just bought these shoes yesterday…
That house! There’s an ungardened spot in that yard!! I wouldn’t be wizzing on their lawn! But I’d get arrested…
Dark corner, side yard, Retaining wall to hide from one direction of traffic… There! I’ll make a run for it. Darn lights are on… Oh, wait! The lights are on in the BACK of that house! They’ll never see me in the front yard!
GOSH DARN YIPPING DOG!!!! SHUUUUSH! I’m gonna wring your… I’ll get caught.
An alley! PERFECT! It’s not too far! UUUUUGH! Brake lights, someone’s backing their car out.
Shoot, wasted all those extra steps, now I gotta get back on the path toward home.
At this point I had to pee so bad I grabbed my keys from my purse, just to have something to cling to. I was moving slower, my whole body was cramped, and …
Wouldn’t you like to know what happened? Taquito Anyone?